Horror Movie Recollections

sigh

Okay so for those of you who don’t know, Paranormal Activity is a series of films that has been beaten to death over the last few years. It’s brought the horror genre to the masses and I suppose I should be thankful to it for reinvigorating the genre in general and making it popular again.

But let’s be honest here, they are by no means good horror films. I would equate them to watching paint dry for about an hour, getting bored, and then playing the first half an hour of any Silent Hill game.

Although I’m going to focus mostly on the fourth movie here, I’m going to give a brief synopsis of the first three for those of you who have been living in a cave in a mountain in the middle of Siberia. Massive spoilers ahead.

Paranormal Activity 1: A couple named Kate(?) and Mika (no relationship to the singer) live in a house with a ghost and Mika conveniently has cameras fucking everywhere for some reason. They capture minimal footage of ghostly activity, Kate gets bitten by SOMETHING, Kate gets possessed, kills Mika and goes missing. END

Paranormal Activity 2: Technically a prequel, the second film follows Kate’s sister’s family (i don’t know any of their names). There’s a Spanish housekeeper who knows shit is up. They fire her. Nothing happens for the rest of the movie. Kate’s sister gets possessed. They find the housekeeper, she performs a type of exorcism that transfers the spirit/demon/whatever to someone and they choose Kate. Big surprise, this works. Bigger surprise, Kate comes by after the events of the first film, kills fucking everyone, and steals their newborn son. Whoops. I also think we learn in this one that Kate and Sister had performed a seance when they were kids and a lot of shit happened then? I don’t fucking remember. Also a dog gets hurt and it’s sad and it’s the only emotion I felt while watching these movies.

Paranormal Activity 3: ANOTHER prequel, this follows Kate and Sister when they were children. Their father strangely looks like Mika and has the same idea; put cameras fucking everywhere and capture footage of this ghost. I can’t really remember this one a lot but at the end the dad dies and we find out that their grandmother is in a witch cult and that they brainwash Kate and Sister for…something. I dunno. The demon is named Toby or Todd or something, by the way. This one is obviously scarier because of children.

OKAY TIME FOR THE FEATURE PRESENTATION.

The fourth one follows some random family, BUT GUESS WHAT, Kate and some random kid (not the one from the second movie) move in across the street. Kate gets “sick” with a nondescript illness and the kid, Robby I think?, has to stay with them. This kid is obviously brainwashed with some…demon shit and he’s trying to induct this family’s small child who I am going to call James even though it’s not his name, into their little cult or summon a demon or something. Literally nothing happens in this movie. LITERALLY NOTHING. I think there’s a scene where a knife flies into the air and half an hour later it falls and that’s meant to be scary and we were meant to forget about it but it was an obvious brick joke and we all kept it in our minds while we were watching. They also pimp the shit out of the Kinect because no one is buying them. The lead girl is pretty cute but she’s super young so there goes that.

So yeah, the James goes over to Kate’s house with Robby at one point for who the fuck knows and the lead girl goes over there and finds out that Kate is fucking fine. Doesn’t even look like she’s been sick. Even though there were ambulances over there at the beginning of the film so I dunno. Nothing happens for a little while and then at the end of the film her and her dad are in the house and he’s getting his shit fucking WRECKED by Toby and then she jumps out the window and there’s, like, a million witches out there for some reason. I assume she dies and then the movie literally just ends. That’s it. We learned literally nothing about anything and watching this movie was a fucking waste of time for those actually interested in the plot.

To these films’ credit, however, they are good at building up tension and then getting a good jump scare, but that’s about it. I would not consider these to be horror movies. They are, at best, thrillers.

REVIEW END

So here we are, a literal century after my last post (it’s actually only been a few months) about to do another dumb review (it’s actually gonna be kinda neat) for, like, two people to read (that might actually be true)!

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Do you remember when you first got into horror movies? The thrill of watching the classics. Dracula, Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon. As cheesy as those movies are (and they are painfully cheesy. like, literally painful. i had to go to the hospital after watching them) they just haven’t attributed to a lot of the horror movie cliches that we see these days. Vampires became sparkly, Frankenstein became mistaken for a monster, rather than a man of science, and monsters from swamps ceased to exist, I guess. Kinda lame.

But the horror genre that has kept itself at a constant is ZOMBIE MOVIES!!!

(imagine a cheesy thunder sound-effect here)

The movie that basically started it all, as we all know, is George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead.

It may not be the first, and it may not be the best, but it is the film that popularised zombie films and it’s the one that fans go to first.

So what made this movie so great? Well, it’s hard to put it into words, but I’ll damn well try.

In an age where the monsters were the main focus of the film, you’d be hard pressed to find a movie with interesting and memorable characters. In classic horror movies (like the ones mentioned above), you don’t care much about the characters. You just want to get to the next bit of action or see the next person get killed and you’re ALWAYS excited to see the Big Bad. In NotLD and the zombie genre in general, you care about the characters (well, some of them) and want them to get out alright (most of the time).

George Romero and the film’s writers did a well enough job at making the characters interesting and flavoured enough that you were pleased when they were on screen and weren’t incredibly antsy to see the zombies.

And then they threw it out the window with this…

The remake.

Okay, this might just end up as personal griping, but I really don’t like the remake. I mean, it’s okay in the way that zombie movies normally are, and they changed enough in it that it wasn’t exactly like the original, but the changes just seemed…off.

Barbara is played pretty much the same way, up until the end. She’s quiet and confused and is just really worried about her brother?

But in the remake, she ends up becoming a badass, kills the guy that was an asshole, and just… COMPLETELY REMOVES ALL SYMPATHY THAT YOU’D HAVE FOR HER.

And, okay, there’s this priest guy that gets bitten in the face by a zombie, right? Just, takes a big bite out of his face.

This dull-witted looking gentleman.

And you know what? He doesn’t get turned. He just has a cool looking scar on his face. And right at the end of the movie he’s going on this tirade about God and Hell and shit.

And then we never see him again. He’s never seen in any of the sequels. Not even mentioned.

Wouldn’t it have been SUPER COOL if he started a crusade against the zombies or the zombie infection caused him to lose his sanity and side with the zombies and make some sort of zombie cult like in Resident Evil 4? WOULDN’T THAT HAVE BEEN AWESOME? RATHER THAN LEAVING IT AT THAT?

Other than that, they didn’t really change much. There’s an asshole guy, a cool black guy who sacrifices himself, young lovebirds, zombies, i think there’s a dog too? Actually that might be the remake to Dawn of the Dead (which is actually a lot better than the original, in my honest opinion).

This movie pretty much started all of the cliches that you now see in zombie films and games and comics and ETCETERA. There’s almost too many to name, but I’ll give it a shot:

Awesome Black Guy: ✓

Guy Who’s An Asshole and Disagrees With Everyone For Whatever Reason: ✓

Young Lovebirds: ✓

Main Character Who’s Vaguely Uninteresting But Just Interesting Enough That You Kinda Care: ✓

Dog (maybe?): ✓

Religious Under/Overtones: ✓

Zombie Kid: ✓

I could go on.

ANYWAY, thanks for reading this edition of Horror Movie Recollections. Expect updates with more frequency as I’ve been bored enough to start writing again.

See you next time, boils and ghouls.

Welcome to Horror Movie Recollections, the blog where a guy who has no in-depth knowledge of film retells the stories of horror movies that he’s half-forgotten. So strap yourself in for the thrill ride that is…

And by “the thrill ride,” I mean “one of those movies where they found the tapes after all of the main characters died and none of it has been altered in any way shape or form.”

Yes, Grave Encounters is one of those “real” horror films. The plot is very standard. A bunch of good-looking twenty somethings (and some guy in his thirties who I swear looks like Mick Jagger) host this paranormal activity television show (that strongly resembles Paranormal State, if you ever saw that.)

Allow me to introduce you to the main cast.

Otherwise known as: The Handsome Leading Man. He hosts the show, does interviews with the people involved with the hauntings, etc etc. All you need to know is is that this guy is basically Ryan Buell (making a reference to Paranormal State again.)

Otherwise known as: The Only Woman In The Movie. So, as is tradition, she has a few freak outs, but all-in-all, she’s not that interesting. Like, seriously, there isn’t even a romantic sub-plot going on. She’s just there to look pretty and add some screams to the film, so let’s move on.

Otherwise known as: The Only Likeable Character. At least for the first hour or so. Character development leads you to become fond of the Handsome Leading Man, even though he’s a dick early on. Considering that Matt White is The Only Likeable Character, you can probably venture a guess who gets fucked up first.

Houston Gray (who didn’t get a cool intro like the others), otherwise known as: Mick J- err… The “Psychic”. All you really need to know about him is that he’s not really psychic. He’s not entirely interesting once you find out he’s not.

T.C Gibson, otherwise known as… Well, you know. Being the only black character in the film basically ensures that he’s not going to be the one to die first. Why’s that? Because horror movies these days are all about breaking free of the cliches that once binded them. As such, they’ve created whole new cliches for them to be bound by! T.C is the only character that you kind of feel bad for when he dies, considering that he has a wife and kid. You get punched in the face with the Fist of Irony pretty early on when T.C ensures his daughter that “monsters aren’t real.” Fast forward 45 minutes where T.C gets killed by a monster.

So now that you know the characters, let’s dive right into what I remember of the plot.

So the movie starts off with the producer of the show, Grave Encounters, telling us about the show. It was way before its time blah blah blah it was going well blah blah until the sixth episode where everyone got fucked up. And keep in mind, folks, that this footage has not been altered in any way.

Now the movie is under way, as we get a look at the footage. It starts with Lance Preston doing the intro to the episode ,which takes place in an asylum. Blah blah blah uninteresting interviews blah blah doctor guy (who specialized in lobotomies) was murdered by a couple patients (remember this, this is important) blah blah ghosts blah.

Queue timelapse shot.

They’re then locked in the asylum until 6am, when the caretaker will let them out. Run-of-the-mill stuff for ghost hunting shows such as this. Of course, there are cameras set around the asylum.

Obviously nothing happens for the first few hours. They try to provoke any spirits in the asylum, as is typical, and nothing happens. While they’re looking, that is. While they’re not looking, a window opens, a wheelchair moves on its own, a door slams shut. That’s it.

Wheelchairs are scary. Silent Hill says so.

Oh and also Sasha’s hair moves on its own, I guess.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Ghosts.

She freaks out and Houston brings her back to base. While he’s gone, Lance and T.C decide to provoke the spirits a bit more which, when he returns, Houston isn’t entirely cool with.

But they do it anyway. They get lost, try to call Matt on the walkie talkies, but holy shit, they’re not working.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Ghosts.

Blah blah blah fast forward a little bit and they’re getting ready to pack up. Matt goes to grab the cameras and notices the window. Then he…wanders off?

Literally, he sees something in the other room, wanders off, and we don’t see him for the other half of the movie. Well great, even the likeable character got bored.

“Ooh, is that an Oscar?”

So, of course, the rest of the movie is spent looking for him. Houston stays at base, by himself, because…I dunno, he’s a dick? Blah blah they yell his name blah blah blah find camera equipment blah blah T.C goes up some stairs and then…He gets pushed down them.

Man it sure is convenient that the camera landed towards him, isn’t it?

He busts up his leg, so Sasha and Lance need to help him back to base. Keep in mind that, as soon as they get back, his leg is completely fine.

Leg fucked up.

Leg completely fine.

Consistancy.

At this point, T.C has had enough and just wants to get the fuck out of here. Fuck Matt, right? It’s not like anything worse could have happened to him. You were pushed down the stairs. That’s the last straw!

Lance and T.C bust down the front door and…

HOLY SHIT IT’S ANOTHER HALLWAY THIS PLACE IS TOTALLY FUCKING HAUNTED

“We must have gotten turned around in here” says Houston.

Yup you totally got turned around while you were in the lobby of the asylum, right next to the front door. Mhm. Sure did.

Blah blah blah they can’t escape blah blah blah it’s actually 8 AM blah blah the food has rotted blah blah they went to sl-

They went to sleep.

While they were sleeping, their lamp was pushed by the ghost fell over and fucking broke.

Ghosts are dicks.

“Houston, what’s your problem?!” exclaims T.C.

Blah blah blah roof access just leads to more hallways blah blah blah they hear Matt scream blah blah bed flies into the air and freaks the fuck out.

Oh and the ghosts write a message on Sasha’s back while they’re all asleep.

This is why you don’t sleep in a fucking haunted asylum, guys.

blah blah blah more exploring

Oh look it’s the scary chick from the trailer.

Seriously guys, if you’re gonna do a scare like this, don’t put it in the fucking trailer so we all expect it.

So, naturally, they all leg it out of there, but Houston gets seperated from the group and dies.

And…no one really seems to care enough to go and look for him. We seriously never see him again. This is the last we see of him.

Awesome. (Also don’t ask why he’s flying through the air. A flash of light sent him flying and it’s never explained.)

Regardless, he’s dead.

Queue more freaking out and exploring of the asylum…

They passed out and now they…have tags on their wrists? O…kay let’s just roll with it.

blah blah blah more freaking out and exploring

Oh hey it’s Matt. Yeah, he’s gone crazy. I’m assuming his brain was removed or something? (hint hint)

Oh yeah and here’s probably the coolest part of the movie.

Arms from the ceiling. Fucking sweet.

blah blah they run away and, oh, I should give you some context for the next scene.

So there was this girl that killed herself in this bathtub. The exact same bathtub is actually still in the asylum. Apparently it was filled with her own blood (and water, I’m assuming.)

Okay that’s all the context you need for the second coolest part of this movie.

FUCK YEAH.

T.C gets pulled into the bathtub and, when turned over, it’s completely empty.

Welp, He’s gone for good! Time to freak out and explore more.

They find a ladder that goes down to the service tunnels, but they can’t seem to pry open the door. So Lance, being the daring leader, goes off by himself to find something to pry it open with. He takes a bar from a hospital bed and…

Wait a second.

Is…that a tongue?

Oh… I see this belongs to you. I’m just gonna GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

So Lance, obviously, gets the fuck out of there, pries open the door, and…wait, what was that sound?

HOLY SHIT THIS THING IS FUCKING AWESOME

While Lance and Sasha are fighting this fucking awesome thing off, Crazy Matt jumps down the shaft and…

Oh.

Oh no.

NO MATT NO

YOU WERE SO YOUNG

YOU WERE SO LIKEABLE

Anyway.

Sasha and Lance hang out in the service tunnels…waiting for death, I guess?

The time starts jumping around and the fog rolls in.

As the fog rolls out, we see that…

OH NO SASHA IS GONE

Oh well her character was pretty two-dimensional.

Moving right along, Lance is now left on his own. He yells at the ghosts to just kill him and…

He kills a rat. He also eats it but I’ll save you that because holy shit did it gross me out.

Lance decides to wander around the service tunnels and…

Finds a door. What? How did they not…notice that before…Oh well, let’s just roll with it.

OH GOD NO

ABANDON SHIP. EVERY MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, AND GHOST FOR HIMSELF.

Jesus fucking christ are you kidding me? We’re going with the “satanic demon summoning ritual” schtick? Fucking hell.

Lance turns around to see a bunch of people at an operating table. He accidentally stumbles over the summoning circle, looks down for a split second, looks back over AND HOLY SHIT IT’S A GHOST FACE

Suffice to say, Lance does not get out alright and we’re left with this haunting image.

“Grave Encounters…signing off.”

And that was Grave Encounters. In case you didn’t understand the ending, well, here you go.

It was the brain doctor the entire time.

However, we never get any real explanation as to what is causing all of this. All we get is a half-assed “oh yeah it was demons” at the end and that’s it. Who made the summoning circle? Why? How’d they find the tapes? What happened after? Is Lance alive? Why did arms come out of the walls?

The movie isn’t all that great, but I wouldn’t say that it was terrible. It’s all just a bit predictable. We’ve seen the twists a hundred times and we never really get any closure at the end. All-in-all, Grave Encounters, which could have been a really great movie, fell completely flat.

That’s all for this time, folks. Stay tuned next time for an actually good movie.

I’ll give you a hint.