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Horror Movie Recollections

The half-assed recollections of horror movies, done by a guy who has nothing better to do than watch movies. Online Users

Paranormal Activity: The Unmarked Gem

You know, I’ve never really been a fan of these films, as was probably exemplified by my previous review, but this one actually wasn’t completely terrible. If you haven’t already, take a look at my overview of the entire series before reading this. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to it.

So, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, follows a completely different set of characters, seemingly completely unrelated to the events of previous movies. It’s centered around the lives of three hispanic teenagers (Jesse, Hector, and Marisol). Jesse, the main character, lives in an apartment complex with his father, grandmother, and sister(?). Why’s the apartment complex relevant? Because a crazy woman named Anna lives in an apartment downstairs.

Before we get to that, however, Jesse buys a camera and a GoPro at a pawn shop with money he got as a graduation present.

On a random night, like any other, Jesse and Hector are hanging out in Jesse’s room, getting high, when they hear screams from downstairs. Turns out that Jesse’s room is directly above Anna’s room. These aren’t ordinary screams, however. They are bloodcurdling screams. As if someone was crawling through a bush made of barbed wire. Jesse gets the idea to take off the vent cover and stick the GoPro down the vent to get a look at what’s going on. In comes a beautiful naked woman, proudly displayed on Jesse’s old-ass tube TV. Excitement ensues but is quickly replaced by disgust as Anna enters the room, also naked. She draws a sigil on the woman’s stomach, supposedly in blood, and then Jesse’s grandmother walks into the room and whatever. I can’t really remember.

I’m not sure what order these events take place in, but the next big event that happens is Anna dies. Seriously. They kill off what seems would be the main source of evil pretty quickly. Whatever. It’s assumed that a guy named Oscar, whom the gang knows, murdered her, as Hector and Jesse witnessed him jumping out of her window the night before, as they were putzing around with some fireworks.

So they get the idea to explore Anna’s apartment which, all in all, seems pretty normal. There’s a book about demonic summoning and a door that travels through time to unholy places, and tapes that are marked with Katie and her sister’s name. I think. I’m unsure of this as well.

ANYWAY in comes the first jump scare. Oscar’s brother, Arturo, is just chilling out in the background and the gang freak out and get the hell out of dodge.

I think it’s probably around this time that Jesse and his friends take out this old Simon Says game and start fiddling around with it. As it turns out, the game responds to Jesse’s questions with yes or no answers; green for yes, red for no. oH WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT JESSE AND HECTOR ARE PLAYING BASKETBALL AND THEN THEY GET JUMPED BY SOME DUDES AND THEY GET FUCKING OWNED AS IF BY SOME DEMONIC FORCE AND I THINK OSCAR JUMPED OFF A ROOF AT SOME P- wait no did that come later? Shit. ANYWAY.

Jesse asks the Simon Says game if it took care of those gangsters for him. Naturally, the green light flashes. I can’t remember what happens next, but I remember Jesse realising that he can’t be hurt. He tries falling over, but some force stops him, and he can blow up an inflatable bed with a single breath, even with Hector laying on it.

So, some shit happens, and Jesse decides to crash a party with Hector, pick up some chicks and fuck them in Anna’s now abandoned apartment.

Bold move, Jesse. Bold move.

Jesse leaves to get a condom, Oscar pops out of a trapdoor, the hot chick screams and flees, and Jesse is confronted by Oscar who tells him that he’s been marked. By, like, a demon or a witch or something. *shrug*

Oscar then runs off AND NOW HE JUMPS OFF A ROOF AND KILLS HIMSELF. Oh well.

Eventually, Jesse makes the even bolder move of going down that trapdoor with his friends. He finds pictures of himself, as well as his mother hanging out with Anna. Weird. There’s also pictures of Oscar. Less weird.

The gang decide to talk to Arturo to check out Oscar’s room. His closet is filled with articles of other kids whose mothers died during child birth and there’s also the name “Ali Rey” and a phone number. In case you’re not aware, Ali Rey is the only survivor of the events of Paranormal Activity 2, besides the baby. And hopefully the dog.

Anyhoo, Hector and Marisol eventually decide to give her a call, they meet up, and it’s revealed that Jesse has been marked by a demon. OH NO WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT. Turns out that he’s going to be a host body for a demon and his friends have to help him before it happens.

Too bad it’s already happened. Jesse decides to go back down the trapdoor in Anna’s apartment, where he comes across to little girls with black eyes (presumably Katie and her sister as children) and someone in a cloak who prevents him from leaving. Oh shit the ritual has been performed and Jesse is properly FUCKED.

Good ol’ grandma comes to the rescue though and attempts to perform a ritual that will force the demon out of Jesse. It involves eggs. Yeah, I don’t know either. Demon-Jesse intervenes, breaks one of the eggs granny is holding (spewing blood everywhere) and then some SHIT GOES DOWN, Jesse is floating in the FUCKING LIVING ROOM, the entire universe shifts around him, and there’s, like, a fucking force push out of him, completely messing up the living room. Like, come on dude, have some respect. People have to clean that shit up.

So I guess the demon is supposedly out of Jesse now as he’s laying practically comatose in his bed. As suddenly as the demon was expelled from him, however, he disappears. Granny was running you a bath, man. That’s just inconsiderate. BUT WAIT. Granny is also missing too. Hector runs out of the apartment and sees Jesse standing by the stairs. Hector takes a look at the bottom aND OH NO GRANNY IS LAYING IN A POOL OF HER OWN BLOOD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS AND JESSE HAS FUCKING DISAPPEARED AGAIN. YAY.

I think at some point Hector and Marisol end up going to look for him, but he finds them. He completely fucks up Hector’s car, nearly kills the both of them, and is knocked out by an aluminum bat to the back of the head. Bra-fucking-vo. Worst demon ever.

They stuff him in the back of the car, get to gettin’, but a truck fucking t-bones them and the drivers load Jesse into it. They just can’t catch a break.

They go to Arturo’s house to, I guess, raid the witch’s lair (because they know where that is because of Ali), and load up on shotguns and pistols and a bunch of awesome weaponry that doesn’t get used for more than ten seconds.

Of course, the witch’s lair is none other than Katie’s grandmother’s house. They’re accosted by witches, Arturo blows quite a few of them away with his shotgun, him being the badass that he is, Marisol goes missing, and Hector is scouring the house for her, while being chased by witches. He runs into what I guess is a garage/greenhouse and she crashes through the ceiling. Musta slipped or something. Then he hears some sort of growling, runs upstairs, locks a door behind him, and hears Jesse pleading to let him in. At this point Hector basically knows that Jesse is the spawn of fucking Satan and refuses. The demon thus breaks down the door and Hector ends up running through a door that would logically not lead anywhere, only to find himself in the house that Katie and Micah lived in.

Okay, I’m expecting you to be confused at this point, so I’ll explain. Remember when I mentioned that they had found a book in Anna’s house that referenced a door through time to unholy places. Yeah okay.

Hector is understandably confused and wanders around a bit until he sees Katie coming down the stairs. He calls out to her, but she doesn’t seem to hear him. She walks into the kitchen and, well, opens a knife drawer. Hector approaches her and touches her on the shoulder to gain her attention, thus causing her to freak out and call for Micah. He comes barreling down the stairs, tries to kick Hector’s ass, and inevitably gets stabbed by Katie. Hector then tries to bail the fuck out back to the door and is chomped on by Demon-Jesse.

And that’s the end. No one gets out alive and shit is far worse off than it was at the beginning. I kind of feel like this film retroactively makes the rest of them better. Introducing time-travel is interesting and helps make the rest of the plot kind of make more sense. Kind of. I mean, how would an entire army of witches amass at the end of Paranormal Activity 4 without it? I dunno. It’s kinda dumb but I thought it was a get addition to the series.

Greystone Park aka The Asylum Tapes aka ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzz…

This is gonna be a short one because there really isn’t much to this movie that hasn’t been done in literally every found-footage movie ever. These jackass twenty-somethings go into an asylum that was notorious for lobotomies and is apparently haunted. Fast forward two hours and, low and behold, nothing happens. Well, nothing that the camera picks up, so we don’t see shit until literally the very end of the movie.

Literally. in the ten minutes of the movie the main character (i don’t even know if HE was meant to be the main character or what) is beaten by some dude in a gas mask and…that’s really about it. And then I guess there’s some kind of demon statue that looks like a knock-off Sauron, a bunch of dolls, and the main female character turns out to be a which or some shit I dunno. She attacks the two remaining survivors and I assume no one survives. Or maybe the main character does? Who even fucking cares holy shit.

This movie is BAD. Even for fans of the found-footage genre that’s become increasingly popular over the last few years this movie is not worth two hours of your time. Watch something else.

Grave Encounters 2: Quartz Wasps

HOKAY, I watched this piece of work a couple months ago and I don’t quite remember every aspect of the film BUT THAT’S THE NAME OF THE BLOG FOLKS.

This movie basically takes the same route as BLP2: Book of Shadows. Grave Encounters hit the world like a storm. It’s fuckin’ huge and all the putzes on Youtube are makin’ videos about it like mad.

It just so happens that a young college student majoring in film or something watches the movie and doesn’t think it leads up to the hype. He posts a video about how it’s shit and the whole “this is real footage” thing is bullshit and yadda yadda.

SO what happens? A random dude sends him a message and gives him information about the actual history of the film or gives him the location of the asylum or something.

This college student, in all his wisdom, in all the wisdom shared by college students in horror movies, goes to the asylum, dragging a bunch of his friends with him, and decides to make a movie about it because he gets super obsessed with it.

Sound a little familiar?

Sound maybe a little, like, oh I dunno.

A popular horror web-series called Marble Hornets?

Yeah this movie basically looked up to Marble Hornets as its idol or its big brother or something.

So they go to the asylum and the same stock shit that happened to the yuppies in the first film happens to them and then, wouldn’t you know it, they leave.

Yeah, they fucking leave.

The asylum that never let anybody out actually let them leave. Which is builds up to possibly the coolest thing in either of these two movies.

They go back to their hotel and they’re all still kinda freaking out and decide to get the hell out of dodge and go back to their college.

They get in the elevator to go to check-out and WHOA THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS UP TO THE BASEMENT OF THE ASYLUM WHOOOOOOOOOOOA.

It was a really cool twist and it’s really hard to explain why it’s cool to people who potentially haven’t seen the movie and I also haven’t watched it in a while so *burp*

So they eventually find the guy from the first movie (I think his name is Sean?)

They call him Lance Preston in the Grave Encounters show but his name is totally fucking Sean. Lame.

Oh yeah! They totally, like, tracked this guy down before they went to the asylum and met his mom who is totally fucking crazy apparently and thinks her son is A-OKAY.

Nah, he’s still locked up in the asylum even crazier than his mum with a rad beard.

To specify, he has a rad beard. Not his mum.

This part of the movie is kind of fuzzy for me because I think at this point I was getting fed up with watching it because it’s pretty boring most of the time but it gets to a point where Sean and I think the main college dude’s name is Alex (IMDB check confirms this) are in a race to collect all the tapes that have a record of all the asylum’s crazy shit.

Oh yeah Sean actually totally kills one of the friends I think. Like I said, he’s totally coo-coo for Cocoa Pops.

Sean is just going on and on about this door and he eventually shows it to them but it’s just, like, a fucking door and a door frame. Not even attached to a wall or anything and I guess it has a chain on it that they break and then SEAN OPENS THE DOOR AND IS LIKE “oh shit this totally doesn’t actually lead anywhere fuck” and loses it even more than before.

oh shit yeah and i guess the asylum has a consciousness and it wants to get word out about…it? I dunno it’s not 100% clear as to WHY it wants them to collect the tapes in the first place so whatever.

So Alex collects all the tapes and I think he kills Sean or he just dies at some point for some reason and then he kills his main love interest. Oh yeah, there’s a main love interest and she’s actually pretty cool. I can’t remember why but I remember that she’s cool for some reason so just take my word on this.

So the tapes are floating around??? and then Alex opens the door and it leads him out of the asylum and…yeah.

Yeah that’s about it.

THAT’S GRAVE ENCOUNTERS 2. DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME.

Next week I’m gonna do a review/overview of the Evil Dead series! And by ‘next week’ I mean ‘i’m gonna shoot for next week but don’t hold your breath!’

Paranormal Unactivity

sigh

Okay so for those of you who don’t know, Paranormal Activity is a series of films that has been beaten to death over the last few years. It’s brought the horror genre to the masses and I suppose I should be thankful to it for reinvigorating the genre in general and making it popular again.

But let’s be honest here, they are by no means good horror films. I would equate them to watching paint dry for about an hour, getting bored, and then playing the first half an hour of any Silent Hill game.

Although I’m going to focus mostly on the fourth movie here, I’m going to give a brief synopsis of the first three for those of you who have been living in a cave in a mountain in the middle of Siberia. Massive spoilers ahead.

Paranormal Activity 1: A couple named Kate(?) and Mika (no relationship to the singer) live in a house with a ghost and Mika conveniently has cameras fucking everywhere for some reason. They capture minimal footage of ghostly activity, Kate gets bitten by SOMETHING, Kate gets possessed, kills Mika and goes missing. END

Paranormal Activity 2: Technically a prequel, the second film follows Kate’s sister’s family (i don’t know any of their names). There’s a Spanish housekeeper who knows shit is up. They fire her. Nothing happens for the rest of the movie. Kate’s sister gets possessed. They find the housekeeper, she performs a type of exorcism that transfers the spirit/demon/whatever to someone and they choose Kate. Big surprise, this works. Bigger surprise, Kate comes by after the events of the first film, kills fucking everyone, and steals their newborn son. Whoops. I also think we learn in this one that Kate and Sister had performed a seance when they were kids and a lot of shit happened then? I don’t fucking remember. Also a dog gets hurt and it’s sad and it’s the only emotion I felt while watching these movies.

Paranormal Activity 3: ANOTHER prequel, this follows Kate and Sister when they were children. Their father strangely looks like Mika and has the same idea; put cameras fucking everywhere and capture footage of this ghost. I can’t really remember this one a lot but at the end the dad dies and we find out that their grandmother is in a witch cult and that they brainwash Kate and Sister for…something. I dunno. The demon is named Toby or Todd or something, by the way. This one is obviously scarier because of children.

OKAY TIME FOR THE FEATURE PRESENTATION.

The fourth one follows some random family, BUT GUESS WHAT, Kate and some random kid (not the one from the second movie) move in across the street. Kate gets “sick” with a nondescript illness and the kid, Robby I think?, has to stay with them. This kid is obviously brainwashed with some…demon shit and he’s trying to induct this family’s small child who I am going to call James even though it’s not his name, into their little cult or summon a demon or something. Literally nothing happens in this movie. LITERALLY NOTHING. I think there’s a scene where a knife flies into the air and half an hour later it falls and that’s meant to be scary and we were meant to forget about it but it was an obvious brick joke and we all kept it in our minds while we were watching. They also pimp the shit out of the Kinect because no one is buying them. The lead girl is pretty cute but she’s super young so there goes that.

So yeah, the James goes over to Kate’s house with Robby at one point for who the fuck knows and the lead girl goes over there and finds out that Kate is fucking fine. Doesn’t even look like she’s been sick. Even though there were ambulances over there at the beginning of the film so I dunno. Nothing happens for a little while and then at the end of the film her and her dad are in the house and he’s getting his shit fucking WRECKED by Toby and then she jumps out the window and there’s, like, a million witches out there for some reason. I assume she dies and then the movie literally just ends. That’s it. We learned literally nothing about anything and watching this movie was a fucking waste of time for those actually interested in the plot.

To these films’ credit, however, they are good at building up tension and then getting a good jump scare, but that’s about it. I would not consider these to be horror movies. They are, at best, thrillers.

REVIEW END

Night of the Living Movie Cliche

So here we are, a literal century after my last post (it’s actually only been a few months) about to do another dumb review (it’s actually gonna be kinda neat) for, like, two people to read (that might actually be true)!

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Do you remember when you first got into horror movies? The thrill of watching the classics. Dracula, Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon. As cheesy as those movies are (and they are painfully cheesy. like, literally painful. i had to go to the hospital after watching them) they just haven’t attributed to a lot of the horror movie cliches that we see these days. Vampires became sparkly, Frankenstein became mistaken for a monster, rather than a man of science, and monsters from swamps ceased to exist, I guess. Kinda lame.

But the horror genre that has kept itself at a constant is ZOMBIE MOVIES!!!

(imagine a cheesy thunder sound-effect here)

The movie that basically started it all, as we all know, is George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead.

It may not be the first, and it may not be the best, but it is the film that popularised zombie films and it’s the one that fans go to first.

So what made this movie so great? Well, it’s hard to put it into words, but I’ll damn well try.

In an age where the monsters were the main focus of the film, you’d be hard pressed to find a movie with interesting and memorable characters. In classic horror movies (like the ones mentioned above), you don’t care much about the characters. You just want to get to the next bit of action or see the next person get killed and you’re ALWAYS excited to see the Big Bad. In NotLD and the zombie genre in general, you care about the characters (well, some of them) and want them to get out alright (most of the time).

George Romero and the film’s writers did a well enough job at making the characters interesting and flavoured enough that you were pleased when they were on screen and weren’t incredibly antsy to see the zombies.

And then they threw it out the window with this…

The remake.

Okay, this might just end up as personal griping, but I really don’t like the remake. I mean, it’s okay in the way that zombie movies normally are, and they changed enough in it that it wasn’t exactly like the original, but the changes just seemed…off.

Barbara is played pretty much the same way, up until the end. She’s quiet and confused and is just really worried about her brother?

But in the remake, she ends up becoming a badass, kills the guy that was an asshole, and just… COMPLETELY REMOVES ALL SYMPATHY THAT YOU’D HAVE FOR HER.

And, okay, there’s this priest guy that gets bitten in the face by a zombie, right? Just, takes a big bite out of his face.

This dull-witted looking gentleman.

And you know what? He doesn’t get turned. He just has a cool looking scar on his face. And right at the end of the movie he’s going on this tirade about God and Hell and shit.

And then we never see him again. He’s never seen in any of the sequels. Not even mentioned.

Wouldn’t it have been SUPER COOL if he started a crusade against the zombies or the zombie infection caused him to lose his sanity and side with the zombies and make some sort of zombie cult like in Resident Evil 4? WOULDN’T THAT HAVE BEEN AWESOME? RATHER THAN LEAVING IT AT THAT?

Other than that, they didn’t really change much. There’s an asshole guy, a cool black guy who sacrifices himself, young lovebirds, zombies, i think there’s a dog too? Actually that might be the remake to Dawn of the Dead (which is actually a lot better than the original, in my honest opinion).

This movie pretty much started all of the cliches that you now see in zombie films and games and comics and ETCETERA. There’s almost too many to name, but I’ll give it a shot:

Awesome Black Guy: ✓

Guy Who’s An Asshole and Disagrees With Everyone For Whatever Reason: ✓

Young Lovebirds: ✓

Main Character Who’s Vaguely Uninteresting But Just Interesting Enough That You Kinda Care: ✓

Dog (maybe?): ✓

Religious Under/Overtones: ✓

Zombie Kid: ✓

I could go on.

ANYWAY, thanks for reading this edition of Horror Movie Recollections. Expect updates with more frequency as I’ve been bored enough to start writing again.

See you next time, boils and ghouls.

Grave Encounters Of The Jump Scares.

Welcome to Horror Movie Recollections, the blog where a guy who has no in-depth knowledge of film retells the stories of horror movies that he’s half-forgotten. So strap yourself in for the thrill ride that is…

And by “the thrill ride,” I mean “one of those movies where they found the tapes after all of the main characters died and none of it has been altered in any way shape or form.”

Yes, Grave Encounters is one of those “real” horror films. The plot is very standard. A bunch of good-looking twenty somethings (and some guy in his thirties who I swear looks like Mick Jagger) host this paranormal activity television show (that strongly resembles Paranormal State, if you ever saw that.)

Allow me to introduce you to the main cast.

Otherwise known as: The Handsome Leading Man. He hosts the show, does interviews with the people involved with the hauntings, etc etc. All you need to know is is that this guy is basically Ryan Buell (making a reference to Paranormal State again.)

Otherwise known as: The Only Woman In The Movie. So, as is tradition, she has a few freak outs, but all-in-all, she’s not that interesting. Like, seriously, there isn’t even a romantic sub-plot going on. She’s just there to look pretty and add some screams to the film, so let’s move on.

Otherwise known as: The Only Likeable Character. At least for the first hour or so. Character development leads you to become fond of the Handsome Leading Man, even though he’s a dick early on. Considering that Matt White is The Only Likeable Character, you can probably venture a guess who gets fucked up first.

Houston Gray (who didn’t get a cool intro like the others), otherwise known as: Mick J- err… The “Psychic”. All you really need to know about him is that he’s not really psychic. He’s not entirely interesting once you find out he’s not.

T.C Gibson, otherwise known as… Well, you know. Being the only black character in the film basically ensures that he’s not going to be the one to die first. Why’s that? Because horror movies these days are all about breaking free of the cliches that once binded them. As such, they’ve created whole new cliches for them to be bound by! T.C is the only character that you kind of feel bad for when he dies, considering that he has a wife and kid. You get punched in the face with the Fist of Irony pretty early on when T.C ensures his daughter that “monsters aren’t real.” Fast forward 45 minutes where T.C gets killed by a monster.

So now that you know the characters, let’s dive right into what I remember of the plot.

So the movie starts off with the producer of the show, Grave Encounters, telling us about the show. It was way before its time blah blah blah it was going well blah blah until the sixth episode where everyone got fucked up. And keep in mind, folks, that this footage has not been altered in any way.

Now the movie is under way, as we get a look at the footage. It starts with Lance Preston doing the intro to the episode ,which takes place in an asylum. Blah blah blah uninteresting interviews blah blah doctor guy (who specialized in lobotomies) was murdered by a couple patients (remember this, this is important) blah blah ghosts blah.

Queue timelapse shot.

They’re then locked in the asylum until 6am, when the caretaker will let them out. Run-of-the-mill stuff for ghost hunting shows such as this. Of course, there are cameras set around the asylum.

Obviously nothing happens for the first few hours. They try to provoke any spirits in the asylum, as is typical, and nothing happens. While they’re looking, that is. While they’re not looking, a window opens, a wheelchair moves on its own, a door slams shut. That’s it.

Wheelchairs are scary. Silent Hill says so.

Oh and also Sasha’s hair moves on its own, I guess.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Ghosts.

She freaks out and Houston brings her back to base. While he’s gone, Lance and T.C decide to provoke the spirits a bit more which, when he returns, Houston isn’t entirely cool with.

But they do it anyway. They get lost, try to call Matt on the walkie talkies, but holy shit, they’re not working.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Ghosts.

Blah blah blah fast forward a little bit and they’re getting ready to pack up. Matt goes to grab the cameras and notices the window. Then he…wanders off?

Literally, he sees something in the other room, wanders off, and we don’t see him for the other half of the movie. Well great, even the likeable character got bored.

"Ooh, is that an Oscar?"

So, of course, the rest of the movie is spent looking for him. Houston stays at base, by himself, because…I dunno, he’s a dick? Blah blah they yell his name blah blah blah find camera equipment blah blah T.C goes up some stairs and then…He gets pushed down them.

Man it sure is convenient that the camera landed towards him, isn’t it?

He busts up his leg, so Sasha and Lance need to help him back to base. Keep in mind that, as soon as they get back, his leg is completely fine.

Leg fucked up.

Leg completely fine.

Consistancy.

At this point, T.C has had enough and just wants to get the fuck out of here. Fuck Matt, right? It’s not like anything worse could have happened to him. You were pushed down the stairs. That’s the last straw!

Lance and T.C bust down the front door and…

HOLY SHIT IT’S ANOTHER HALLWAY THIS PLACE IS TOTALLY FUCKING HAUNTED

"We must have gotten turned around in here" says Houston.

Yup you totally got turned around while you were in the lobby of the asylum, right next to the front door. Mhm. Sure did.

Blah blah blah they can’t escape blah blah blah it’s actually 8 AM blah blah the food has rotted blah blah they went to sl-

They went to sleep.

While they were sleeping, their lamp was pushed by the ghost fell over and fucking broke.

Ghosts are dicks.

"Houston, what’s your problem?!" exclaims T.C.

Blah blah blah roof access just leads to more hallways blah blah blah they hear Matt scream blah blah bed flies into the air and freaks the fuck out.

Oh and the ghosts write a message on Sasha’s back while they’re all asleep.

This is why you don’t sleep in a fucking haunted asylum, guys.

blah blah blah more exploring

Oh look it’s the scary chick from the trailer.

Seriously guys, if you’re gonna do a scare like this, don’t put it in the fucking trailer so we all expect it.

So, naturally, they all leg it out of there, but Houston gets seperated from the group and dies.

And…no one really seems to care enough to go and look for him. We seriously never see him again. This is the last we see of him.

Awesome. (Also don’t ask why he’s flying through the air. A flash of light sent him flying and it’s never explained.)

Regardless, he’s dead.

Queue more freaking out and exploring of the asylum…

They passed out and now they…have tags on their wrists? O…kay let’s just roll with it.

blah blah blah more freaking out and exploring

Oh hey it’s Matt. Yeah, he’s gone crazy. I’m assuming his brain was removed or something? (hint hint)

Oh yeah and here’s probably the coolest part of the movie.

Arms from the ceiling. Fucking sweet.

blah blah they run away and, oh, I should give you some context for the next scene.

So there was this girl that killed herself in this bathtub. The exact same bathtub is actually still in the asylum. Apparently it was filled with her own blood (and water, I’m assuming.)

Okay that’s all the context you need for the second coolest part of this movie.

FUCK YEAH.

T.C gets pulled into the bathtub and, when turned over, it’s completely empty.

Welp, He’s gone for good! Time to freak out and explore more.

They find a ladder that goes down to the service tunnels, but they can’t seem to pry open the door. So Lance, being the daring leader, goes off by himself to find something to pry it open with. He takes a bar from a hospital bed and…

Wait a second.

Is…that a tongue?

Oh… I see this belongs to you. I’m just gonna GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

So Lance, obviously, gets the fuck out of there, pries open the door, and…wait, what was that sound?

HOLY SHIT THIS THING IS FUCKING AWESOME

While Lance and Sasha are fighting this fucking awesome thing off, Crazy Matt jumps down the shaft and…

Oh.

Oh no.

NO MATT NO

YOU WERE SO YOUNG

YOU WERE SO LIKEABLE

Anyway.

Sasha and Lance hang out in the service tunnels…waiting for death, I guess?

The time starts jumping around and the fog rolls in.

As the fog rolls out, we see that…

OH NO SASHA IS GONE

Oh well her character was pretty two-dimensional.

Moving right along, Lance is now left on his own. He yells at the ghosts to just kill him and…

He kills a rat. He also eats it but I’ll save you that because holy shit did it gross me out.

Lance decides to wander around the service tunnels and…

Finds a door. What? How did they not…notice that before…Oh well, let’s just roll with it.

OH GOD NO

ABANDON SHIP. EVERY MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, AND GHOST FOR HIMSELF.

Jesus fucking christ are you kidding me? We’re going with the “satanic demon summoning ritual” schtick? Fucking hell.

Lance turns around to see a bunch of people at an operating table. He accidentally stumbles over the summoning circle, looks down for a split second, looks back over AND HOLY SHIT IT’S A GHOST FACE

Suffice to say, Lance does not get out alright and we’re left with this haunting image.

"Grave Encounters…signing off."

And that was Grave Encounters. In case you didn’t understand the ending, well, here you go.

It was the brain doctor the entire time.


However, we never get any real explanation as to what is causing all of this. All we get is a half-assed “oh yeah it was demons” at the end and that’s it. Who made the summoning circle? Why? How’d they find the tapes? What happened after? Is Lance alive? Why did arms come out of the walls?

The movie isn’t all that great, but I wouldn’t say that it was terrible. It’s all just a bit predictable. We’ve seen the twists a hundred times and we never really get any closure at the end. All-in-all, Grave Encounters, which could have been a really great movie, fell completely flat.

That’s all for this time, folks. Stay tuned next time for an actually good movie.

I’ll give you a hint.